For her

Every year on her birthday I buy a bouquet of white flowers...

I like to think that she knows they are for her, and that it makes her smile.

I miss her.

~CJ

If you can't say anything nice...

I'm back. I think. I guess we'll see.

CT is such a good example to me. I have this unfortunate habit of speaking my thoughts out loud...and sometimes my thoughts are, shall we say, less than charitable. I know. I shouldn't admit that since some of you may be apalled to learn that I'm not always nice, but it's the truth. But CT, now he's a different story. He never, and I mean never, says anything mean, or uncharitable, or offensive about anyone. I always tell him he should be grateful for me, because I know somewhere deep inside, he's thinking those things, and I just give voice to those thoughts. He's not buying it though.

But really, in all honesty, I'm the one who is grateful for him. He often tells me "Hun, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Now, who hasn't heard that growing up? But I guess I forgot it in my adulthood since really it only applies to kiddos anyway...right?

So, I will attribute my silence on this blog for the last three months to that simple adage. I guess I just didn't have anything nice to say. I'd been down, depressed, and not very motivated. And nobody likes a Debbie Downer. But, I'm feeling sooo much better and now I feel like I have gobs of nice things to say.

So I'll end with this one. I'm so grateful for my husband that pushes me and reminds me every day to be a better person. Sometimes we forget the simple things we learned as kids, because we think we're all grown up and we know better now. I'm grateful for my husband who has taught me that maybe I need to remember a bit of the kid in me.

~CJ

I'm learning

Sometimes I think that things just can't get any better. And sometimes it feels like it can't get any worse (very fatalistic of me, I know). This morning though, I saw this quote on a friends facebook status...

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses, applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding and compassion, which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where he wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain." (Elder Richard G Scott)

Reading this made me feel better. I know that there are a lot of people who struggle much more than I do; who have greater challenges, bigger trials, etc. I also know that everything in life is a potential lesson to be learned. My mission President, during a particularly difficult time, said to me, "Hermana, you have to ask yourself what it is that Christ wants you to learn from this." I've never forgotten that (I can actually still hear his voice as he said it to me), and have tried to ask myself that question whenever I am faced with hard times.

One of the things I have learned from this experience (and something I seem to be continually learning!), is that there are so many things in this life that you think you have the handle on, but you really can't and don't control. God knows better than we do what is best for us, and it is a reminder that all things happen on his time and not ours. So, the key is to remain positive, have faith, and do your best. Apparently this is something that I need to keep on learning, so all I can say is, I'm trying. I think I'm getting there...at least, I hope so. :-)

On a lighter note, have you ever watched any of the videos by Terje Sorgjerd? You should, they are incredible. Especially this one... it's beautiful, peaceful, and the music fills me with happiness. Try it out, I doubt you'll regret it.


~CJ

Three's a Charm?

If you aren't up for a totally honest, and yes, emotional, post, you might as well stop reading now...

CT keeps saying we have to stay positive. And in theory, I agree. I truly believe that positive thinking can create positive actions or results. But sometimes its just so darned hard to stay positive. Like, really really hard.
2 miscarriages, a year apart. A year of trying. And its not enough that you have to go through the emotional pain of the loss...but its a very physical pain too. Each day reminding you of what you are going through. I guess it should make me grateful for how amazing the human body is and that we CAN go through things like this and still come out kicking on the other end of it. But I don't really feel that way, I just feel frustrated that its not over with yet.
Everyone says this happens all the time, to so many couples. And I know it does! I know that there are tons of women out there who go through much more painful experiences, and I have to remind myself that we should be grateful that we can even get pregnant, and that the miscarriage happened so early! But sometimes I don't understand why it happens to us. Sounds pretty juvenile, right? Its just hurt feelings talking more than anything else.

I guess I'm just ready for something totally amazing and beautiful. I feel like we deserve it...we're good people who try really hard to never hurt others and to live honest and happy lives. I know that I'm not giving up hope that good things are coming, and reminding myself that God's timing is not my own. I just have to be patient, hopeful, and positive. But seriously, can it just happen now please?

~CJ

Weekend O'Fun

CT had to work all weekend. And I mean, all weekend. I just like him too darn much to have him gone on the weekends! It doesn't happen very often, and thankfully, the month of May will be back to normal.

So, to keep myself occupied, and to keep myself from wallowing in my own self-lonely-I'm so bored- pity, I focused on having a fun weekend. First up was brunch with the girls on Saturday at Red Rock. It was so much fun to finally meet baby Shin and to see Keiko. She is beautiful and glowing and is getting so close to her due date!

Keiko, me, Jina, and baby Shin

Seriously, look at that face!

Momma Jina and baby. She's the cutest mommy.

For some reason, I kept forgetting that it was Easter Sunday weekend. And that I was in charge of the family get-together this month. But, I finally pulled it together and we all headed to Orem for an Easter eggstravaganza at Grandma's house.

Amy found the golden egg...it had $70 inside. Lucky girl.

The kids getting ready for their hunt.

Big 'I' showing me how tough he is. That kid cracks me up.

Baby B. Cute cute cute smile.

Baby H trying to find her "loot"

These 3 cousins are all really close in age. And they are the 3 musketeers at our family gatherings.

Baby H just loving the swing

Just being silly. I love that kid.

These are supposed to be the 'Master Warrior scary faces'. I have no idea what a Master Warrior even is...

Baby H was sooo mad that she couldn't have any candy! I couldn't stop laughing, it was so cute and so funny at the same time.

Little A and Grandpa playing before all the cousins arrived.

Bunny cake that I made and the girls helped me decorate.

All in all, it was a great and busy weekend. I still missed my hubby like crazy but I had a blast hanging out with the kids and the girls. I think we'll get to see Bri and Nelson next weekend, that'll be great. I'm so glad he is home safe and sound from Afghanistan. As for right now, I'm just so beyond happy that the sun is shining! Even if it is 30 degrees outside...

~CJ

visual update

Yesterday (Sunday), in the midst of April showers, we had a 2 hour window of sun. It was pure bliss. So, we took the dogs on a long walk to enjoy...

Ash is working on 'heel'

Here are some pics of the blankets I finished for Jean. I had fun making them and hope she likes them! She should get them in the mail today. :-)

Flannel with crocheted edging

Crochet with 4 colors

Natalie, Rose and I took little A to the aquarium last weekend. She had a blast and we had a blast watching her. She was so excited, she couldn't stay at one exhibit for too long because she couldn't wait to see what was coming up.

We were supposed to be paddling...

'We're so scared' faces

Seriously, such a cutie

CT and I took a trip down to Texas. We spent the day in Galveston and it was like heaven to see the ocean. Galveston isn't the most amazing beach I've been to, but it was nice and calm. Then we drove down 'The Strand' which is the main street on Galveston Island. Definitely worth a trip back.

Michael, Nikki and Little Z came over for dinner the other night. Z is a riot. She loves to just dance. We put on some Michael Jackson and had a serious dance session. After which, she taught me the most efficient way to play pool...

Finally, CT's cousin Jaran came into town for a ski weekend. We invited Marky Mark to join us and had a pretty good time. CT used it as an opportunity to try snowboarding for the first time. I thought he did an amazing job and picked it up really quickly. He says I'm just biased.

Sorry I haven't updated in a while folks. I haven't been feeling very motivated to blog this month, but I promise I'll be better. Soon, you'll get sick of me. ;-)

~CJ

TGIF!!

I got my hair cut last night. I have to say... I love my stylist Ramez.

Ramez!

I've been going to see him since February 2007, right after I got home from my Ghana Africa trip and cut 10" off my hair to donate to Locks of Love. It was love at first sight...totally superficial, platonic love. He has this wonderful accent (he's from Jordan, the country not the city), and after he's done all the coloring and the shampooing, and the put-you-to-sleep head massage, he gets into this cutting zone. And while he's in the Ramez cutting zone, he sings to you. In Arabic. Lullabies and songs he makes up. It makes me feel like I'm in the movie Aladdin. Its W.O.N.D.E.R.F.U.L. I'll be honest, I've strayed a few times. Tried to go with someone else and see how I liked it. And I always end up going back. He's my one and only. The only one who truly knows how to cut and color my hair. And that's a very important relationship in any woman's life.

We went bowling at the office today. Its always SO nice to get out for a couple of hours, especially on a friday. Here are a few pics so you can marvel at my bowling form...

Lining up the shot (see, isn't my hair so cute!)

the wind-up (or load-up, whatever floats your boat)

firing action primed!

Looks pretty straight down the middle to me.

Don't worry, I'm sure at the last second, it veered off to the left. Plus I can only throw the ball at about 12 mph, so I only end up knocking down like 4 pins. I blame it on the alley. I think they built a little slope in there just to make the game more challenging. It couldn't be my puny skinny arms...

As a last note, I simply can't stop thinking about Girl Scout Cookies. Is this a sign of obsession? Or is it just because its almost 4 in the afternoon, on a Friday, and I am just looking for anything that is sweet, chocolatey, minty crunchy-ness goodness? Maybe both? I think I need help.

~CJ